Supposed to be packing his books today (Monday 29th), which could be taking place anywhere between church office here and his house in North Carolina, which has finally sold. Leaving for new assignment tomorrow. Mrs. Quinn staying until house here sells.
Having reservations about my departure behaviors. Did they think that the letters I gave them told them things better left unsaid? When in line after service, hugged both of them with an arm around each neck (saw a tear of mine fall on Quinn’s stole); was that inappropriate, too demonstrative in front of other people? Quinn did sing “Stille Nacht” to me and anyone else within earshot after service; beautiful, rich voice, congregation should have heard that every Christmas. After that, told him, “Now, Pastor [last name; can never call him mein Pfarrer again], because we will not be seeing each other again, thank you for everything, and Lebewohl.” Mispronounced “o” somewhat. He laughed very heartily and replied “Lebewohl,” followed by a couple more syllables that I didn’t understand. That is the last I saw or spoke to him. Did my mispronunciation of the “o” turn the word into something that meant something other than “farewell,” like it does in Chinese? He said at the start of the service that he’d cried at the early service and was now dealing with his feelings through humor.
Had nightmares all last evening, last night, and this AM. Had to strip bed involuntarily and use on a foam pad under the bedding some spray that I bought to clean up after the cats, but I’ve never used it for them . Having feelings of unreality. Moved up appt. with therapist to tomorrow. He asked me just last week what this love/hate relationship with this guy [Quinn] was about. Thinks it has to do with inadequate parenting; standard explanation, but likely enough to be true in my case. Seeing MD on March 9.
Expected this to be sad and difficult; never expected it to hit me like a wrecking ball.
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