Reality Check

This topic has 55 replies, 19 voices, and was last updated 16 years, 6 months ago by Rubia in CA, 4/28.

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2 October, 2007 at 7:03 pm #11323

MadcatwomanintheUK
Participant

Well, it was my day off today, so aside from some odd jobs, I decided to start checking out some local homes, as possibles for Mum to consider. I managed two. One was a no no, the other seemed quite nice, but the enormity of it all hit me really hard. In my heart of hearts I know it has to be this way, but it’s such a huge thing, and I feel so guilty now for having finally broached the subject with her. I’m so glad I’m seeing my doctor tomorrow, because I’m starting to feel really down about things again; my moods just seem to rollercoaster these days.

2 October, 2007 at 7:12 pm #64340

MaxandCali’sMom
Participant

Hi MCW, sounds like you’re kinda down today. I’m so sorry that you have such a decision to make. I never had to make that decision because my dad passed before Mom, and when her time came it was very fast. You’re fortunate to still have your Mum and just know that you’re doing the best you can.

And you always have a lot of support here-I know that’s why you posted this.

Just know you’re loved and cared for. We’ll do the best we can to support you.

Love and purrs, Jimmie

2 October, 2007 at 7:13 pm #64341

MeezerMama in OK; 10/23
Participant

I’m so sorry MCW. I know you will do the right thing though. Too many people shove their relatives into homes without really thinking about it. Since it is weighing so heavily on you, I know you aren’t taking it lightly. (Was that as repetitive as it sounds in my head?) Sometimes, a home is the best decision and it’s a hard one to make. Hugs to you

2 October, 2007 at 7:17 pm #64342

Kitten Whisperer in Oregon (8/27)
Participant

Your feelings are completely normal, MCW. There is never a moment when a decision like this seems absolutely clear. From what you have described of your mum’s health issues, she needs to be in a proper assisted living facility where her medications can be properly managed. Family members cannot be expected to provide the level of assistance that your mum needs. I know you would feel awful if she managed to go without her medications or took too much of them or fell and broke her hip. This is not about you abandoning your mum. It’s about seeing that she gets the care she needs with you still very much in her life.

Do you think your mum would want to have a tour of the home you are considering?

2 October, 2007 at 7:24 pm #64343

MadcatwomanintheUK
Participant

Thank you, all three of you – it’s a bit of a rough week this one. The home issue is now out in the open, and it’s a big, scary responsibility, I have the meeting with the hospital that messed up Mum’s care & discharge earlier this year on Friday, and work is a bit – no a lot – of a pig at the moment. Sometimes I wish I could be like Mum and just chuck in the towel for a bit when it all gets too much, but then who would look out for her?

And yes, KW, the general idea is I’ll check out all the local homes and weed out the grotty ones, then take Mum to see the rest. We’ll then compile a shortlist, and she’ll be able to spend a day or half day at each one to get a better idea of what they’re like. Then we play the waiting game for a suitable vacancy to come up – it’s not going to be something that happens quickly, but more likely in the next 6 months or so.

2 October, 2007 at 7:25 pm #64344

Kitten Whisperer in Oregon (8/27)
Participant

{{{{hugs}}}} xx

2 October, 2007 at 8:01 pm #64345

miu
Participant

So – there’s one possible place and she has to wait for SIX months? Sounds like there’s not much to choose. And I don’t think you should try to take care of her permanently – not at least as long as your depression is so deep.

MCW, you do what you have to do and you don’t have to feel guilty for it. She (hopefully) gets a homelike environment and competent care. I’ll pray for both of you.

2 October, 2007 at 8:08 pm #64346

MadcatwomanintheUK
Participant

Sorry Miu, I can see I’ve misled a bit – there’s one possible from today’s look around; I still have several to go and see, plus there’s the place she goes to for respite care when we’re on holiday, which is very nice, but a bit further away, and the rooms are a little small for a permanent placement. The 6 months bit is a guestimate, but I want Mum to go to the right place, and if that means waiting, well so be it. We’re due a social services review of her home care soon, so maybe there’s some more help I can get in the meantime. And if I’m lucky enough to win the lottery this weekend (not a fortune, just a year’s salary will do) I can tell work to sod off, and have the time to sort Mum out properly without screwing myself further into the ground. There’s good days, there’s bad days – this is just one of the bad ones. Thanks to all of you for the hugs and prayers.

2 October, 2007 at 8:10 pm #64347

JenniferSigman
Participant

*HUGS*

Be proud of yourself for taking all this time to get it done right. You will be rewarded for it. 🙂

2 October, 2007 at 8:15 pm #64348

KYKAT 12 23
Participant

MCW, You are not going to be abandoning her. It is just a different sort of place for her to live, but one where you will still visit often and spend time with her. She needs new accommodations for the extra care given and you need them for her for the peace of mind. Think if it as a new apartment with staff for her. Just after Christmas, my husbands grandmother went from a condo that was part of an assisted living facility to one of the rooms in the main building. It was the best move for her. She has that little bit of extra care that she needs with sorting out meds and such, but she has gained a lot of new friends. She has a new bridge group and other people to chat with. They do not have a problem with family coming by and taking her on outings. Focus on the positives of the extra care and of course talk to us all often. Hugs.

2 October, 2007 at 8:21 pm #64349

NNGM
Participant

MCW, are any of her friends already in a home where she could go? I’m not sure how the nursing home system works over there. I’ve gone through this with grandparents but not parents (yet). It is tough – you want to make sure that she gets good nursing care as well as a comfortable place to live. I don’t know about over there, but nursing facilities here are very expensive. (Which is why my Mom keeps telling everyone that she is not doing presents anymore – she needs to save her money for the nursing home – and I think she is only half kidding.)

2 October, 2007 at 8:25 pm #64350

NNGM
Participant

Oh, and ask if they have any “house cats” on staff! Many nursing homes here have either in house pets or they invite people in with therapy animals – many of the elderly just love it because they miss the pets they used to have.

2 October, 2007 at 8:36 pm #64351

MadcatwomanintheUK
Participant

Thank God for you guys. Chris has gone out tonight, I didn’t let on how bad I was feeling, and told him to go, but I really, really appreciate all your kind words. Unfortunately he’ll know I wasn’t being honest when he gets back, ‘cos I’m a red nosed post blubbering mess…

This is going to sound bad, but Mum doesn’t really have any real friends – she and Dad moved around a lot, and she’s always been pretty bad at keeping in touch, so the few she does have are spread right around the country. There is her Church, but her attendance has been sporadic, largely because of her bi-polar disorder, and she doesn’t make more than surface friendships very easily -she relies on me pretty much 100% for all social contact that isn’t via the care or medical personnel. Another reason why a home would be good for her.

There are council and private care homes in the UK, and if you fall under a certain threshold of savings/capital, you’re entitled to full funding (they take your pension and give you an allowance from how I understand it) for some places, or you / your family pay the top up extra amount for others. Today’s possible would be a fully funded place, as is the place she’s been to before for respite care.

So far, the cat count is 1 x eldery one at the respite care home – she would still have regular access visits to her cat who lives with us though!

2 October, 2007 at 9:21 pm #64352

KYKAT 12 23
Participant

Since you are home alone tonight, draw a nice hot bath and put some scent in, put on some good music, pour a glass of wine and do some de-stressing. Then you can blame the red nose on the hot bath! I guarantee you will feel loads better and sleep well tonight. More hugs.

2 October, 2007 at 9:30 pm #64353

2 Popoki
Participant

Not much I can add here, MCW, other than you have my prayers for strength. You have been so comforting to so many here… now it’s your turn. xx

2 October, 2007 at 9:38 pm #64354

Bogman, Clark and Andy’s mama 2/27 Florida
Participant

MCW, I will pray that you find the right home for your Mum. I know that when I moved in with my folks, I wasn’t sure it was the right thing to do, but now that it’s done, I know I did the right thing. The point I’m trying to make is that you will do the right thing. God will help you with the right place for MCWM (that’s Mad Cat Woman’s Mum!!! lol)

2 October, 2007 at 9:42 pm #64355

Jo in Blairsville
Participant

I don’t envy your position at this point in your mum’s life, but I know I will face it soon with my own 80-year old mom, the most radiant, sweet and charitable woman God ever put on this earth. The thought of it takes me to my knees.

I’m so gosh awful opinionated, and yet I find myself at a loss for words to give you comfort, because there really aren’t any. Doing what you have to do is only easy for those who don’t love deeply. And I can see you do.

Maybe it isn’t you who is leaning on us right now. Maybe we’re leaning on you, hoping and praying that if you can do this, then we will surely find the strength also.

2 October, 2007 at 9:55 pm #64356

Sylmiafelixsmama
Participant

ppearson, what you describe is what happened with my Grandmother. First she lived in a nice condo in an senior community. It was basically like a deluxe hotel except they owned their unit. It came with concierge services as well as nice club house that they could pay extra and have some of their meals there. We went there for Thanksgiving one year and it was very nice. After my Grandfather died, they felt they wanted her to be closer to my parents and my Aunt and Uncle so they moved her to an assisted living place where she has a nice little studio. She has fitted in quite nicely and made lots of friends (of course she has always been a very social person). MCW, it is a huge decision and one that will be associated with some guilt but think of the fact that she will be looked after in a better situation and that some of the load can be taken off of your shoulders. Being a single caregiver is a huge load to ask of anyone especially one who is still working a full time job. I am sure you will find a good place that your Mum will fit in nicely and will enjoy the remainder of her days. Hugs and purrs.

2 October, 2007 at 10:04 pm #64357

3 kits staff dorie
Participant

Mcw

You are doing the right thing for your own health and that of your Mom’s.

It Is and will be hard but know you have people here who care a lot about you!!

And if you need to vent knoe that we are all here for you!!

Hugs and prayers

Dorie

3 October, 2007 at 12:28 am #64358

Rubia in CA, 4/28
Participant

MCW – I know that this must be so difficult for you. But it sounds like you are going about it in the right way. And it is the right decision for both you and your mum. As the others have said, she will get the level of care that she needs and and it will also remove a huge burden from your shoulders. I know that you will find a place that will take good care of her.

I’m here for you if you need anything – only a couple of hours away! Email me at rubia underscore uk at yahoo dot com anytime you want. {{{HUGS}}}
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