please help I killed my newborn kitten

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This topic contains 15 replies, has 8 voices, and was last updated by Profile photo of Anna Anna 3 weeks ago.

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  • #806171
    Profile photo of Amylou
    Amylou
    Participant

    Hi everyone.
    I really don’t know where to begin I’m devastated.
    2 weeks ago todat my cat Cleo gave birth to 4 beautiful healthy kittens.
    Unusually she chose to have them on my lap on the sofa. She wouldn’t leave my side so I allowed her to just have them on me. This was her first litter and she is a natural wonderful mummy.
    She kept moving her kittens onto the sofa and also kept bringing them to me. Eventually I gave up my sofa for her and allowed her to keep them on there. I put a big duvet on the floor Incase they fell etc but they never did.
    I just got used to these 4 bundles of joy on the sofa. I would sit on it and they would all snuggle into my legs. Cleo was very trusting and very happy for me to handle them although I tried not to cuddle them to much, just moved them etc if they were getting into pickles.
    So they are all 2 weeks old today. All healthy happy putting on weight like nobody’s business. All eyes open and meowing for mum’s milk.
    So now the tradegy.
    I have had A really bad tooth infection and yesterday had it out and was given antiobiotics. I got home and felt really rough. I took a sleeping tablet and settled down to watch TV. All kittens were fine.
    I must have gone into a deep sleep. I woke up and saw 3 of the kittens in their basket with Cleo. I saw the 4th at the end of the sofa on his back. I thought he was asleep and touched his tiny tummy. He was dead. I had obviously squashed him in my sleep. Cleo had gotten the other 3 away but couldn’t get to him in time.
    I can’t stop crying. She’s looking for him. I’m at a loss. I can’t live with the guilt of killing a beautiful defenceless 2 week old kitten.. I’ll never get over this I may as well not be here.

    • This topic was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by Profile photo of Amylou Amylou.

    #806173
    Profile photo of JerseyJoan
    JerseyJoan
    Moderator

    (((Amylou))) I am so very sorry for your loss. It was an accident. The little one knew love in his short life because of you. You meant him no harm. I know these words don’t help your pain, but please know people understand and care.
    Cherish the babies, and comfort Cleo, you will be helping each other. You need each other.
    You also always have the support of people here at TDK. (((Hugs)))

    #806177
    Profile photo of Buttons
    Buttons
    Moderator

    Oh im so sorry for your loss that must have been such a traumatizing experience… But you must understand no matter what way our furry babies depart this world we always feel extreme guilt it’s completely natural and yes it takes a long time to get over the experience of loosing a precious cat.. But what I also want to say it that it might not have been your fault at all…

    Some kittens suffer what is called fading kitten syndrome and a lot of people don’t even know this is happening .. I think a lot of people here will confirm it can be a common issues in kittens up to the age of 4 weeks but normally happens at about 2 weeks..

    I’m sure your Meowmy cat would have woke you if her kittens were at risk so I think kitten might have gone in her sleep .. And at least she had the comfort of being beside you as she passed..

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by Profile photo of Buttons Buttons.
    #806183
    Profile photo of Amylou
    Amylou
    Participant

    I know that I squashed him to death. It’s the only explanation. He was lying on his back with his arms above his head. I thought oh how cute as my other adult cat often sleeps like that. When I touched him I could just tell he had been crushed. He was quite flat.
    He didn’t display any signs of being poorly. He was chubby, very vocal for milk when hungry. Always cuddled up with the other kittens and mummy and just generally looked really contented.
    I felt so lucky to have such a gorgeous healthy litter and mum who is doing everything perfectly. Then he was killed. By the one person who should have kept him safe, warm and away from harm.
    I have never experienced this emotion before of utter guilt and loss. I actually feel like ending it all. If I could trade places with him I would in a heartbeat. He didn’t deserve this and neither did his mummy. I can’t even look at Cleo as I Feel such shame. I wish I had died instead. It would be better than carrying this around with me forever.

    #806187
    Profile photo of katzenjammer
    katzenjammer
    Participant

    Amylou, your grief is more than totally understandable. You meant your kitty no harm and accidents unfortunately happen. I hope that you have a friend/family member who can sit with you for a bit while you are in such a raw and again, truly understandable, state. My condolences.

    #806188
    Profile photo of Buttons
    Buttons
    Moderator

    I too know this feeling.. And as KJ said it would be really good if you had a friend that you could call on to help you with this grief.. Please remember that these kinds of things do happen and horrible things happen even when we are trying to do good.. Unfortunately it’s the nature of fostering & rescuing cats… But the good times out weigh the bad ten fold.. You need to be strong for mammy cat and the other kittens now.. Please understand there was a reason for this .. She was needed in the meadow and she only ever felt pure love.. Better a short love filled life with you than out on the streets… You need to try and stay strong and continue to help others.. And believe me there are always gonna be kittens that need the help of a kind soul like you… <3 <3

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by Profile photo of Buttons Buttons.
    #806216
    Profile photo of jcat
    jcat
    Participant

    Amylou, please call someone, a friend, a relative, your mum, a neighbour, your doctor, someone. You must not think like this. Cleo and the kittens need you. I do not believe you crushed kitten in your sleep, that is extremely rare, I have never heard of it happening especially on a couch where the little one would be pushed into the pillow, not against a hard surface, and would be able to wriggle to breathe. But even if this did happen, it is a terrible accident, no one will ever blame you for it as much as you blame yourself. It happens in nature too, the reason why sows are put into sow crates when they have litters (although I think these are very cruel) is so that they do not accidentally crush their piglets. These terrible accidents happen. You are not the first person to contact this website in agony because you believe you have accidentally killed your kitten in some way, and sadly, you will not be the last.

    A post-mortem on kitten might ease your mind. But right now I am most worried about you. Please reach out to someone. You need help and counselling right now to deal with the grief, please do not think of harming yourself in any way. Cleo and the other kittens need you, what will happen to them if you are not there to give them a home and buy food for Cleo to feed her babies and look after them? Call someone, please.

    #806247

    sweetheart amylou, i have raised kittens, some of which died when they were young. as others have said, it’s very rare for you to have possibly crushed that kitten. you know, soemtimes mother cats take their kittens and place them somehwere apart from the others when they know they are not well and may not survive. they have intuition. this may have happened during the time you were knocked out. and remember also, you cannot be so bad! you took these wonderful creatures all in, and you did not abuse them. you are amongst others who understand and know you are not evil or bad and we doubt highly that you were at fault.

    #806481
    Profile photo of Amylou
    Amylou
    Participant

    IM scared that the RSPCA are going to come and take my cats away as I can’t keep them safe. They will probably ban me from keeping pets.
    I keep having nightmares about it and I feel really terrible for looking at the other kittens. Everyone I touch one I am just reminded that I am a murderer. I am not handling this very well. That moment when I saw him haunts me all the time. I think I will go to my doctors about this as everyday as these kittens are growing I am feeling worse and worse.
    Thanks for everyone advice and support

    #806483

    amy dear, i know you have gone through a traumatic experience, but animal control will not come and do anything unless they have proof that you willingly abused an animal. they will not come unless someone has called them and requested they investigate you or unless they witness you harming an animal. you’re quite welcome, and yes, it might be best to talk to the doctor or a therapist, it doesn’t make you crazy – it’s soemtimes reassuring to hear the words of comfort from a professional as well as regular people.

    #806487
    Profile photo of Amylou
    Amylou
    Participant

    I know I’m being irrational about the RSPCA as in truth my 2 cats and the kittens are all very well cared for and loved very much. Which is why I feel i need some help because it’s stopping me from sleeping. The visions of the beautiful little thing are terrifying me and I cry all the time over it.

    #806489

    then yes, dear it’s time to see the doctor or therapist. it may be the help you need to get you over this tragedy! after you’ve had some therapy of some kind, even if it means some time talking to a therapist or doctor, something that you might want to look into as an option would be volunteer work in an animal shelter. even though i highly doubt you did anything wrong to begin with, helping other cats and kittens may help you cope with the feelings of guilt you bear. plus, it will help you gain more valuable experience with kitties, and it’s fun! i do it myself, and have for several years.

    #806497
    Profile photo of katzenjammer
    katzenjammer
    Participant

    Amylou,
    Please see your doctor and explain just how bad you are feeling and hopefully he/she can recommend someone to whom you can go for counselling, in this case particularly grief counselling. Toughing it out on your own is not a good plan and you need someone to help you work through the sadness and guilt (which is unjustified, but you’re feeling it anyway). This does not mean that you will be in therapy forever, but right now this could be of great help. I believe that even making the phone call and setting up an appointment will ease you somewhat. Trust me on this one, please.

    #806506
    Profile photo of jcat
    jcat
    Participant

    Amy, I have been a volunteer worker for the SPCA here in NZ and I can tell you, there is no way they would come and take your beautiful cat and kittens away from you. They are loved and well cared for and whatever happened it was a terrible accident when you were sick and on medication that knocked you out. The SPCA have enough trouble trying to find good homes for all the animals without them at the moment, they are not going to take much loved and beautifully cared-for animals away from a good home because of a tragic accident. The SPCA understand accidents, they happen everywhere, even in SPCA shelters, where every precaution is taken and safety and health always come first. That is very different from neglect or deliberate abuse.

    I have also suffered from depression and can only tell you, please, go to your doctor, and talk to them. Reach out, you need a bit of help to cope with this tragedy and it is there, but you have to ask for it. Many {{{HUGS}}} to you, you are grieving and you need some help with it, that’s all.

    #853487
    Profile photo of Megan
    Megan
    Participant

    Amylou I can really say that I know how you feel from personal experience.I had this kitten named pumpkin and I loved him so he would crawl in my bed with me every night and sleep with me but one night I noticed that he wasn’t in my bed like he normally was but he was laying in my recliner chair sleeping so I got him and put him in the bed with me I woke up the next morning and I felt something beside my leg and I reached down and picked him up and noticed that he was limb and not moving and I pulled him out from under the covers and he was dead I started yelling no and trying to wake him up and I woke up my mother by crying so loudly.then I was convinced that I most have rolled over on him in my sleep and I couldn’t forgive my self and I just kept saying if I would have left him asleep in the recliner chair then he would still be alive today.but after talking with my mother she made me realize that a kitten of any age has sharp claws and no matter how young or old they are if something is hurting them then there going to scratch it and I looked on my legs and there were no scratches and that made me feel a little better because it makes since sometimes kittens just die many of mine have but I just felt response able for his death I couldn’t even look at a kitten for a long time after that but my dad just rescued one that the mother dropped in our yard and left him behind I know how bad you feel but it’s going to be ok and it’s not your fault

    #860489
    Profile photo of Anna
    Anna
    Participant

    I know this post is quite old, but i have to ask: did you overcome his death?

    I’m just asking because i’ve been trough something similar. I lost my little baby because i slept too deeply with her in my bed. Such a idiotic mistake that could have been avoided.

    It has been three months already but the pain feels like it was yesterday.

    I feel like i always will feel like a murderer, and the worst part is that i killed the one i cared the most. She was an orphan and had me as her mother and that was how i felt about her, my daughter. I live alone for college and she was helping me out with my solitude. It hurts so much because i love her, and i miss her every single day and i feel guilty because she had just started her life out of streets (she was just 4 weeks old). She was so tiny but her heart was the biggest i’ve known so far. I never deserved to be her foster mom.

    Please just ignore if anything’s wrong in my english.

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