On October 2nd, my seven-month-old kitten slipped out of the house without us noticing. It was like she completely disappeared; when we realized she was gone, there was absolutely no trace of her whatsoever. There are loose dogs in my neighborhood that we heard in our front yard that night–they were barking like crazy and we’re fairly sure the kitten didn’t even make it out of the yard that night. But we saw no blood, no body, no signs of a scuffle, nothing. So we operated under the assumption that she was missing, not dead, and went about putting up posters and knocking on doors. We checked the animal shelter several times and put her picture up on missing pet websites. It’s been two months now and there hasn’t even been a whisper of her since her disappearance.
We’ve come back to our original theory that the loose dogs killed her, but it’s still so hard to accept. The dogs that we suspect killed her live directly across the street and often lay in my front yard (which is why my cats are not allowed to go out there), so if they had killed her I would expect some sort of remains would be either in my yard or my neighbor’s yard. I’ve asked my neighbors and they haven’t seen anything either. At this point I almost wish I could confirm somehow that she’s dead…the occasional resurgence of hope whenever I think “there’s no proof that she’s dead” is making the grieving process so much harder. I want to have hope and I also want to heal, and I can’t have both.
Even if she somehow got away from the dogs, my neighborhood is not safe for cats to roam. If the dogs don’t get them, the birds of prey will. Logically speaking, I know that the chances of a seven-month-old kitten surviving in the wild (specifically, my neighborhood, which is full of predators) for this long are close to zero. It hurts my heart to see her toys packed away and to see an empty cat tree in my living room, but I feel like there’s nothing left for me to do except move on.
I’m just so afraid of letting go too soon. If, by some miracle, she’s still out there somewhere and needs my help, I’d never forgive myself for giving up on her. I’m torn between doing what’s best for me and doing everything I can for a pet that may very well have been gone for a long time.