About two weeks ago my father brought me a kitten and it was probably a few days old and he was dying. He told me he had 3 other kittens with him who died because their mother was not feeding them. So I took him. I started feeding him warm milk mixed with water with a syringe, and I’d not let him out of my sight. And he got so much better so fast and was full of life. So I got him a baby bottle and baby milk powder. He became my priority. I fell in love with him. And I already have 2 other cats who are 2 and 1 and a half year old but I put him first, even before myself. He loved me too, he would follow me everywhere and would not calm or sleep until I put him in my arms or chest or neck.
Until yesterday I did what I usually do, I wrapped him in a towel in case he needs to pee because he’s still too weak to use the litter box, and I sat on my computer, put him on my lap and he fell asleep. I thought he was sleeping so deep so I put him on the bed and went to do some stuff around the house. Then I made him some milk and went to wake him but he was dead. I tried giving him cpr but it was too late. He was cold and just.. dead…
I don’t know what happened, I must’ve killed him somehow.. Perhaps he couldn’t breathe through the towel although I’m pretty certain his head was out, I made sure of that everyday. Was it maybe my deodorant that choked him, because I put some on right before I carried him. I don’t know what happened but I know it was me who killed him.
They buried him yesterday and I asked them to not tell me where. I didn’t sleep, I didn’t eat, I couldn’t stop crying since yesterday. I threw away his stuff and deleted his pictures to make this easier for me, a part of me regrets it though. I tried spending the day with my other cats. I was able to keep it together until I saw the milk powder and now I’m so heart broken again and can’t stop crying. I keep seeing him in my head. I was trying to save his life and then I killed him. I just can’t believe how it happened. The guilt is eating me and my heart is aching terribly. I don’t know what to do to make it stop.