I killed my baby

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This topic contains 9 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by Profile photo of Lisa Higginson Lisa Higginson 5 months, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #853037

    About two weeks ago my father brought me a kitten and it was probably a few days old and he was dying. He told me he had 3 other kittens with him who died because their mother was not feeding them. So I took him. I started feeding him warm milk mixed with water with a syringe, and I’d not let him out of my sight. And he got so much better so fast and was full of life. So I got him a baby bottle and baby milk powder. He became my priority. I fell in love with him. And I already have 2 other cats who are 2 and 1 and a half year old but I put him first, even before myself. He loved me too, he would follow me everywhere and would not calm or sleep until I put him in my arms or chest or neck.

    Until yesterday I did what I usually do, I wrapped him in a towel in case he needs to pee because he’s still too weak to use the litter box, and I sat on my computer, put him on my lap and he fell asleep. I thought he was sleeping so deep so I put him on the bed and went to do some stuff around the house. Then I made him some milk and went to wake him but he was dead. I tried giving him cpr but it was too late. He was cold and just.. dead…

    I don’t know what happened, I must’ve killed him somehow.. Perhaps he couldn’t breathe through the towel although I’m pretty certain his head was out, I made sure of that everyday. Was it maybe my deodorant that choked him, because I put some on right before I carried him. I don’t know what happened but I know it was me who killed him.

    They buried him yesterday and I asked them to not tell me where. I didn’t sleep, I didn’t eat, I couldn’t stop crying since yesterday. I threw away his stuff and deleted his pictures to make this easier for me, a part of me regrets it though. I tried spending the day with my other cats. I was able to keep it together until I saw the milk powder and now I’m so heart broken again and can’t stop crying. I keep seeing him in my head. I was trying to save his life and then I killed him. I just can’t believe how it happened. The guilt is eating me and my heart is aching terribly. I don’t know what to do to make it stop.

    #853038
    Profile photo of pussigato
    pussigato
    Participant

    T&B mom,

    I very sorry to hear your wee kit passed away. It sounds like you did everything right. Unfortunately, kittens succumb Fading Kitten Syndrome FKS). Approximately 20 – 40 % of many kittens don’t grow older than 12 weeks old. Most of these deaths are chalked up to Fading Kitten Syndrome (FKS). FKS sometimes get referred to as the “mystery illness”. From time to time it is obvious what the cause of a kitten death is. However, more often than not it is not possible to determine the exact reason for a dead kitten.

    Your kit was called to the Meadow across the Rainbow Bridge where he is healthy and playful.

    http://rainbowbridge.com

    PG

    #853039
    Profile photo of Kittyzee
    Kittyzee
    Participant

    T & B’s mommy, I am so sorry you lost your little baby. I too know the pain and loss after loving and caring for a tiny kitten. You do everything right and when you check on them again, they are gone. It was nothing that you did or did not do, like PG said, it was more than likely FKS. Some kittens are not meant to live long in this world. Just remember that in the short life he had, he knew only love and comfort, and a full tummy. He knew you loved him and he took that with him when he left. Love lasts, it’s forever just like his memory. Eventually you will be able to think about him without this horrible grief. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

    #853040

    Thank you both so much for your heartwarming messages. It helped ease the pain a little knowing that there is a chance I didn’t kill him. But it still doesn’t make sense how one moment he was so full of life and the next he was gone.
    Thank you for the rainbowbridge link @pussigato

    #853042
    Profile photo of katzenjammer
    katzenjammer
    Participant

    Tiger & Bonnie’s Mommy,
    I am so very sorry for your loss of your wee kit. I do hope that given some time, (and grieving has its own timetable,) you will be able to stop blaming yourself. Some things just happen and we will never know why. For now, as long as you are able to function, give vent to your grief, cry, whatever. And feel free to come and post here. We understand.

    #853050
    Profile photo of Buttons
    Buttons
    Moderator

    I’m so sorry for your loss 🙁 it’s so hard when we loose them and I think sometimes harder when we loose our bottle babies..

    I can tell you with 100% certainty that you were in no way at fault in his passing. Fading kitten syndrome is a mystery and in most cases a kitten can appear completely healthy, eating and pooping well, full of energy one minute and then 20 minutes later crashing. I’ve seen it and there is no rhyme or reason to it and even if he was in a vet off and had a vet watching over him he still probably wouldn’t have made it. that’s the thing with FKS most vets can’t bring them back around.. I’ve tried to revive a few over the years it can happen so quickly! honey is about the only thing that can help but that not a effective all the time. so please don’t blame yourself.

    just know in this life he was warm and had a full tummy and he felt what love was that’s all that matters ! better a few days of warmth, love and food then years of a cold wet hungry life with no love .. you gave him an amazing gift!

    #853055
    Profile photo of JerseyJoan
    JerseyJoan
    Moderator

    I’m so sorry you lost your wee kitten. It sure looks like you didn’t do anything wrong at all. Keep in mind while working through your grief, guilty feelings invade your thoughts – it’s normal. Let go and embrace acceptance and happy times when you are ready. There is no set time for grief, it is all in your own time. Your little one has burrowed a place in your heart, where he will remain forever. He knew your love, that matters so much.
    Feel free to stop back here anytime. No one judges, and everyone understands.

    #853060

    Thank you all so much for your words. They really help me get through this, and I do feel a little better to know maybe it wasn’t my fault after all. But I still can’t shake the feeling that I must’ve had contributed to his death somehow. But I guess it’s just the guilt invading my thoughts.
    Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

    #854654
    Profile photo of Lisa Higginson
    Lisa Higginson
    Participant

    Just like a new born child need s real breast milk and neonatal unit if sick a kitten needs a cat .. you did your best and you tried life cones and goes sadly bless you for trying don’t upset yourself it’s not your fault heaven needed a kitty angel xxx

    #854655
    Profile photo of Lisa Higginson
    Lisa Higginson
    Participant

    Also he died loved and warm with dignity not out in the cold .. bless you xx

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