Help! Anncetera

Dearest Susie,

I don’t think any TDK’er has anything but love for you. KW just said that YOU are the most important thing, your sanity, your life. She wasn’t criticizing you, nor was she implying that you are out looking for ferals and strays to adopt. We know better–you just have a wonderful love for your animals. She also said that there is a better life out there, perhaps with your sister. We’re just trying to give you options for making choices to better your life. We’re not trying to judge you, please understand that.

Watch for something in the mail from me, too, Susie.

We really do care about you.

CW, go to the Sunday cafe, PM needs your arrival info ……

I’m sorry if my bluntness caused you pain, Susie. It was not my intent. Your posts sounded like you are overwhelmed by your situation to the breaking point.

I respect and admire everything you’ve done to TNR the ferals around you. You have made an incredible difference in their lives. You’ve had many successes.

You are right: I have not walked in your shoes. I don’t know what your life is like. Only you can decide when or if you get to the point of having to choose your life/sanity over the lives of the cats you are caring for. I respect that. I’m not accusing you of anything. I’m not condemning you for anything decision you have made or will make.

You have shared a part of your life on TDK. I’ve grown to care about the Susie I know on TDK. My thoughts are offered only because I care about you and for no other reason. I hope you do find homes for your ferals and that you are able to catch the Siameezer before she has her next litter. At least that would give you a finite number to work with. 🙂

My heart just bleeds for you Susie. I am sure that all of us would love find a magical solution. I am still hoping to hear from Best Friends; let’s hope they can help. I am beginning myself to wonder about these so called rescue groups…I suppose that they are all overwhelmed and can only do so much, but it is disheartening.

Susie, it appears to me that everyone is just worried about you because it is so obvious that you are a wonderful person. Please give yourself a little credit; you obviously have a heart of gold , and although it may seem obvious that you should leave the kitties behind, I can tell you honestly that I don’t think that I could do that…I think that my soul would be broken. I suspect that this is your dilema, it would be for me. I imagine that you must be so short on energy , but are there any charity (forget cat related) places near you, maybe a woman’s shelter may have a list of options, if only to give you some solice mentally.

I pray for you daily Susie.

Susie, because it is Chuck’s house, and in his name only, that immediately puts you in an unequal position in the relationship, power-wise. And it means that any significant changes you wish to make should be carefully planned.

If you had someone come in and help do a sweep of removing the cats, you would soon have more showing up. It’s not a matter of you going out and finding more kitties, it’s that feral cats fill a niche in their territory in an ecosystem. When feral cats die, more feral cats come along and fill the territory.

You wrote that you’ve reached a level where “every kitten is enclosed & unable to reproduce anymore kits out there.” Does that mean that you’re keeping them in carriers or cages to keep them from reproducing, instead of getting them spayed or neutered (for lack of funds)? Is their quality of life truly better from being confined in such a state? Yes, it’s better than being dead; but is it better than being neutered or spayed and released back outdoors?

Many people who perform trap, neuter & return (TNR) realize that many feral cats, especially adults, are wild and unable to be tamed more than a minimal amount. The best thing that can usually be done for such cats, who are not able to be handled or not able to be handled by more than one person, is to be altered, vaccinated, and returned outdoors to a feeding/watering station maintained by a responsible adult. The cats will still run into occasional problems, and they will still die someday; but their quality of life is much improved by spay/neuter surgery, vaccinations, and a regular food schedule.

Feral cats are usually not adoptable, and they usually get very stressed from being confined.

You mention that you’re at square one again with no way or means or physical help. I know you’ve spent a tremendous amount of your own energy and resources to try to help these cats. I know you’re doing the best that you can. But you surely realize by now that you’re bumping up against limitations.

In my own situation, with the litter of kittens that Pretty Girl had, I fell in love with every single one of them – and with Pretty Girl, too. They were marvelous and perfect and had such potential for lovely lives! I fantasized about keeping them for myself.

But then I started adding up how many kitties I already have. I had 4, then Mama Kitty came along and had her kittens. WITH THE HELP of Spay & Neuter Kansas City, I got the cat & three kittens altered and vaccinated. I managed to find homes for two of the kittens (including Mili – thank you so much, 2P!). But Violet remains skittish enough, to this day, that I consider her semi-feral; she’s somewhat accustomed to me, and me alone. I don’t consider her highly adoptable, which is why she remains with me.

It took a lot of time and work to find homes for the two kittens, and I couldn’t find a home for Mama Kitty (until very recently). Mama Kitty was altered, vaccinated, and released back outdoors when the kittens were about 16 weeks old. She didn’t show up for two weeks, but then started showing up regularly for food & water. She was not so friendly as to walk up to just anyone. And she was doing just fine, when a friend offered to adopt her (needing a proven mouser). She now has an indoor-only home, and is learning to trust her humans and seek attention from them. Otherwise, she’d still be an outdoor kitty and doing just fine with the feeding station in operation.

I took in Pretty Girl; a stray, from what I could tell of her behavior, not a feral. She had 5 wonderful kittens. WITH THE HELP of Spay & Neuter Kansas City, I got them shots; WITH THE HELP of No More Homeless Pets Kansas City, I was able to get them altered. WITH THE HELP of Kansas City Siamese Rescue, I was able to relinquish Pretty Girl (hard to do); she found a loving home. Four of the 5 kittens found fantastic homes; I personally helped place each kitten. One kitten, Sweet Pea, remains with me due to my own selfishness.

I could have done NONE of this if I hadn’t had the help of each of the assisting organizations to help me get alteration surgery, vaccinations, and placement help in my area. And I could have done NONE of this if I hadn’t had a comfortable enough income from my full-time job to spend some of my discretionary income on these individual cases. Most of all, I could have done NONE of this if I hadn’t realized that it wouldn’t be fair to my own cats, to keep so many others; and that others could love and take care of these cats and kittens just as well as I could, if not better.

Susie, I fear you are trying to accomplish too much without the help you need. I fear that the overall health of your own pet cats may be compromised by the lengths to which you’re assisting the ferals and strays in your neighborhood. I fear the overall health of the strays or ferals may be compromised by their confinement. And I fear that your own health is compromised by the stress that you feel, in trying to do what you can for these cats.

Susie, if you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship, the very best thing you can do is get out. It’s nice if you can get out with most of your things; that can usually be arranged with sufficient time, help, and planning. But you will not get out until you decide that’s the best thing for you to do.

I urge you to listen to 2 Popoki and Kitten Whisperer. You cannot keep concern for the cats in the forefront while ignoring your own needs, at least not indefinitely, without seriously compromising your mental health and physical well-being.

The man you’re living with… are you better off with him, or without him? (Ignore the situation with the cats for the purpose of this question.) Does he make you feel good? Does he bring anything positive to your life other than a roof over your head?

Susie, dear sweet Susie, if only you could imagine how very different your life could be, right now. But it will not be different if you continue making the choices you’re making. If you recognize that your life would be different (better) with a job, then surely you understand that there are steps you can take toward getting a job. It may involve relocation, driving a car that doesn’t have legal tags, finding a job within walking distance, or finding someone to commute with. But you can do it, Susie; I know you can.

These are not easy choices to make, nor are they easy to carry out. But they can lead toward a life that’s better for you, with a place of your own. I can’t say anything about a partner that loves you; that’s not entirely dependent on your own efforts. But there’s absolutely nothing that says you can’t have a job or a place of your own – and those might be important steps toward regaining some self-esteem or being able to help other kitties.

If you think I’m being judgmental, then so be it. I’ve been in tough places before, and in at least one emotionally abusive relationship before; but I found ways to get out of them. It’s tougher now to find and hold a job that will support a person at something other than poverty level, than it’s been in a long time; but it can still be done. Susie, I have every confidence that you can turn things around – if you want to badly enough, to make the sacrifices that are needed to get you there.

Susie, I love you and I love how much you care for your kitties. If you are suffering a mental health condition of some sort (such as depression), I urge you to seek professional help that results in effective treatment. I only mention this because, in my life, I was unable to make some of the decisions and changes that I needed to make until I finally received effective treatment for my depression.

Susie, I wish you the best of luck in making the choices you face. I can’t guarantee your life will ever be easy, but I know your life will be happier if you feel better about yourself. I care about you, Susie, and I want you to be happy.

Karen, I absolutely agree with you that the cats should not be turned over to be euthanized. In fact, I think that would be so traumatizing to Susie that she would be hard pressed to get over it! And by “shelter,” I don’t mean a bed in a homeless shelter–I mean a women’s group that helps abused women. I know people personally who have opened their homes to someone who needed a place to stay to get on their feet to escape abuse. Depending on the organization, there are different setups offered–some group housing, some volunteers offering a room. I’m sure everyone has memorabilia, family pictures, etc so there must be something set up to store your belongings. I feel so helpless being so far away–I would like to say to Susie, I will be over with my ex-husbands truck, you can store your stuff in my basement! No worries! But the first thing we have to do anyway is figure out how to get the ferals trapped and all of the cats to a no-kill rescue group. Maybe if we bombard them with calls and emails?

I’m glad you are continuing to post, Susie. {{hugs}}

I apologize if I have hurt anyone’s feelings, Karenopa. That was not my intent, and I’m sorry. I hope Bootie continues to improve.