Foster Kitten Passed, Left Me Broken Hearted

Let me start this by saying I have dealt with the loss of loved ones as well as a cat I grew up with and a kitten I found on the road who I rushed to the vet but died a few hours later. All the deaths I have had to deal with strangely did not affect me as much as the death of a kitten I was fostering.

I am trying to understand why.

He passed on Wednesday morning, two days ago. I will start from the beginning.

I was so excited about fostering kittens. I waited a month after filling out my foster papers until I got my first fosters, 3 Siamese boys and a gray and white girl from another litter. I picked them up on Monday afternoon after work. 2 months old! So dear! I had a room ready for them with litter boxes, a cat tree, toys, food and water, and beds. I played with them every day before work, when I got home and a few times in the evening before I went to bed.
They were so little but they started to grow before my eyes. One of them in particular, Chu, was small. He was a talker and a climber. He wasn’t very interested in playing with the other kittens, he preferred to climb up my leg to get me to hold him. I did. Again and again. He played once in a while but it seemed like he craved attention from me more. Chu was my little buddy and I was getting attached to him. He was eating like the others, gobbling up wet food when I brought it to them and eating the dry food when he got hungry. I’m not sure when the eating stopped but I think it was Saturday or Sunday.

Kendo, Soni and Bamboo were all growing fast, little tummies were getting bigger and they were able to jump higher. Chu wasn’t growing or jumping. When I noticed he wasn’t eating I figured the others were bullying him so I put him in the bathroom with some food and water. He nibbled at it but didn’t eat much. I took him downstairs to let him sleep on me while I watched tv because I thought he might just need more attention, maybe he was lonely. He fell asleep right away as I stroked his little body. He was skin and bone. I knew I had to take him to the vet so I told the shelter I would take him the following day. I went to bed, worried because I knew Chu wasn’t doing well. He was no longer climbing up my leg or even meowing.

Wednesday morning I woke up at 5:30 and checked on the kittens right away. Only 3 kittens greeted me when I opened the door. Chu was lethargic, cold, laying at the bottom of the cat tree. I was in panic mode. I put him and a towel into the cat carrier, brushed my teeth, called the 3 emergency contacts at the shelter but no one picked up. I called my mom who said she would meet me at the emergency vet. I was in tears on the way. I rushed in, filled out the papers and answered their questions about Chu. They said his temperature was 93 and something was wrong with his liver. His ears, gums and eyes all had a yellow color to them. They said they needed to know what they should do in case they had to resuscitate him. I did not know, no one from the shelter was returning my call. I had left messages and texted the woman in charge of the cats. I couldn’t make the decision.

I knew Chu was in bad shape but I was optimistic. That was until I saw him. They brought him into the room, wrapped in a towel with a heater and he had tubes attached to him. He was so frail he couldn’t even move. I cried as I pet him. He was my sweet little Chu. The ball of white puff with a little brown mark on his nose. My cuddly kitten that wanted to be close to me instead of playing with his brothers and sister. I had to leave to get ready for work. I kept telling myself Chu would make it. I will see him in a few hours and he will look at me and be better. I cried all morning until I got to work I tried to pull myself together. An hour later I finally got a call from a lady at the shelter, she had just received a call from the emergency vet- Chu didn’t make it. My heart immediately sank. He was gone and there was nothing I could do about it.

I feel so guilty. I was in contact with the cat coordinator at the shelter about Chu. I told her how he was acting different than the others and his lack of appetite. She told me to take his temp which was normal on Monday evening. She didn’t warn me that a kitten that goes 24 hours without eating is not normal. His condition deteriorated rapidly the last night he was with us. I wish I would have taken him to the vet on Tuesday when I noticed he wasn’t even a little interested in eating. He was so sweet, so little.

My hope is that he felt loved when he left. If I could go back I would have done something as soon as possible. My first foster kittens.. one dies. I was so excited and now I am heartbroken. I wasn’t ready emotionally. I got attached. Chu would have been adopted, loved and spoiled until he got old. Chu’s forever home is in my heart, where he will live for a long, long time.

The other 3 are leaving me tomorrow. Kendo, has been adopted and will go to his forever home, the other two will go to the shelter so people can see them.

I haven’t stopped thinking about my angel Chu. Every time I enter the kitten room I tear up because Chu isn’t there. The afternoon after it happened I entered, cleaned up, and sat on the floor. All three of them seemed to know something was wrong. They didn’t play. They sat in my lap and let me pet and hold them. It would have been hard to let him go if he was adopted but I never imagined he would leave me like he did. My boyfriend doesn’t understand why I am so sad over a kitten I had only met 9 days before. I don’t even understand. I keep replaying the morning I found him laying there, the only way I could tell he was still alive was his chest moving. Then at the vet, looking at him wrapped in a blanket with tubes, yellow and still, looking at me with the saddest eyes I’ve ever seen.