Fed up with husband

I used to be in a very bad situation until recently. I’ve been in a dysfunctional family (just me and my parents – no brothers or sisters) for 46 years. For years I tried to convince my family we had family problems, they said I was the problem. Well, on Easter Sunday this year my father became so outraged at me, I thought I was going to be killed by him. He grabbed me by his hands around my neck and shook me by the neck. The only reason I did not have him arrested is that there were no witnesses and no bruises…The next day he told me he did not sleep at all well that night and we all agreed to go into counseling together. Except that at the end, out of the doctor’s office, my mother told me I was the problem in the family and she had proof, because I cry and they don’t. At that moment, I chose to become an orphan. I still do see them, but I don’t take any crap from them anymore. We only have a very shallow relationship. Thay think everything is fine and back to the way it was. Well, it’s not. They only family I have now is my church family. And that’s the only way it will be for the rest of my life. I will not forgive them, ever. Anyway, the moral of this story is to do whatever you have to do to survive. Me – I’ve cut back severely on my visits and phone calls to them. And the subjects are not deep ones anymore. I don’t talk my feelings or complain anymore. I consider them less than the dirt under my shoes. I didn’t have any feelings for my father when he announced he had cancer and ended up having 2 cancer surgergies in Aug 2007. He is considered now cancer free, but I certaintly didn’t express my lack of feelings for him…

Oh Karin, I am sorry to hear things are so bad for you right now. Sending positive energy and hugs.

Ange

For Choyt2: You can pick up this book at Amazon.com:

I’m OK, You’re My Parents: How to Overcome Guilt, Let Go of Anger, and Create a Relationship That Works (Hardcover)

by Dale Atkins (Author) Around $12 new and $.52 (fifty two cents) used.

I found it very helpful in dealing with my parent issues and my husband’s parents. (Trust me, when you have the Bionic Jewish Mother-in-Law from Hell, you will try ANYTHING!)

Networker

Karin,

You said he was ill tempered because he is fasting for Ramadan.

Sounds like you have more than just a run of the mill dysfunctional marriage.

You have some deep rooted cultural issues revolving around the place of women in muslim society. Get out before he decides that the Koran justifies physical abuse as his right to discipline you. If possible tell him to take a walk and get permanently lost. If not, grab your stuff and head for the nearest shelter. Get out before his posessions increase beyond his view of your chattelage to include HIS children.

I know that there are many muslim men whou would never behave badly. However the signs are all over this one.

Ailuromaniac and Terri are very kindly telling it like it is. Thanks, ladies, for caring enough to spell it out. Karin, you need to take Sylvester and leave now. Life is pretty simple, really. You can choose to be miserable or you can choose to be happy. Happiness is a choice. Choose it and make a change, or sadly, dear heart, you will grow more miserable in time. Let me gently put it into terms that will hit home — what if your husband decides to take out his anger on Sylvester?

Karin, call one of the local women’s shelter and talk to them. They may have a line on temporary affordable housing, other women in your situation looking for roommates, free counseling services and financial assistance. They may have ideas that we haven’t thought of. You can talk to them confidentially and they can be a valuable resource for you. It wont cost anything more than your time to talk to them. They may also know of lawyers who work at a reduced rate to help get women out of a situation such as yours. The differences betwen you and your husband go down to the base level of how each of you treats people and expects to be treated. Some of this is cultural, yes. But other people have overcome their culture and have built successful relationships while still reataining their sense of self and religion. Your husband is making a choice to not do that and his words and actions are invalidating you as a person. Stay strong with the help of your friends and if ever you feel physically threatened OR intimidated, call 911. Hugs

Karin, will you please email me at johnandterri352 at yahoo dot com. I might be able to help

Hooray for you, Karin! Now you’ve taken charge of your life! You can do this!

Karin, I’m very glad that you’re exploring your options.

Just FYI; abusive behavior tends to escalate, as time goes by. It may start out with just verbal abuse, but that can rapidly escalate to physical abuse. I hope that you and Sylvester will figure out a place to stay, temporarily, until you can get a job. Is there temporary work you can obtain?

Also, ask the agencies if they know of any organizations or animal shelters that will foster animals for people who seek the assistance of women’s shelters. I know of at least one shelter in my area that will help find a way to foster pets temporarily (months, if needed) for homeless people; they also gently help steer the people to supportive agencies and groups to help them get back on their feet. Happy endings are the best; people who are no longer homeless, being reunited with their beloved pets.

Karin, it hurts my heart that you are going thru this turmoil. Please call the agencies that you found, and get both you and Sylvester into a safer, calmer environment. Even if you had to share a living place with someone and have your stuff in storage would be better than not knowing what you were walking into each night. We care for you as family, keeping you & Sylvester in thoughts & prayers