Ange needs ADVICE!

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  • 3 October, 2007 at 3:57 am #11445
    LadyValkyrie
    Participant

    Hi everyone! You were all such a great help and had wonderful advice for my needing to move out and how to go about it. Well I need some more advice.

    Lately I have notice mom is getting anxious and nervous with my moving out. She sees how serious I am and how I am leaping and bounding towards my goal. I am starting to feel guilty! BIG TIME! I need to do this for me, and my sanity and well-being but I feel like she thinks I’m abandoning her. This may sound weird or strange but I feel it none-the-less. My mom and I are VERY close we have been through so many hard times in my 27 years of life.

    I have begun to notice a deteration of my parents relationship and I am concerned I azm the catalyst with all my planning of moving out. Which I was trying to avoid my moving out. I hate to think my mom thinks he’s pushing me away but, in a sense he is. Also his drinking has steadfily been increasing for years now. I just recently found out over their summer vacation mom gave him an ultimatium. Lose the highball drinks or her. Now I feel torn to stay until it is settled between them because if she leaves she will need help with bills.

    I need some advice. I feel so guilty, for wanted to runaway from this stress and walking on eggshells, but I don’t want to leave her to feel she has no choice but to stay.

    Help Please!

    Ange

    3 October, 2007 at 4:08 am #66461
    ailuromaniac
    Participant

    Contact Al-anon. They have counselors and experience helping the families of alcoholics.

    3 October, 2007 at 4:10 am #66462
    Tigger
    Participant

    Hey Ange,

    It sounds complex,but it also sounds like your Mom may need you right now, if only to see her through this difficult position she’s in.She ultimately needs to make this decision alone.(it must be so painful for you,woman!To see them on the brink of splitting your family in three!)But, for NOW ,maybe she needs your presence for moral and fiduciary support.You have my prayers,Ange, and if you want to,you can e-mail me at hoytchristopher AT yahoo DOT com. Stay w/us here at TDK,we value you.

    3 October, 2007 at 4:13 am #66463
    Tigger
    Participant

    and follow ailuromniac’s sage advice too.

    3 October, 2007 at 4:13 am #66464
    LadyValkyrie
    Participant

    thank you tigerpaw. Yes I know she needs me and it is ultimately her choice. I was thinking of moving sooner then my Dec 31st goal, but now I know I will wait til then to see what happens here. I just hope I don’t become the straw that breaks the camels back.

    Now you gone and done it. Giving me your email adress. Now you’ll never get rid of me. I thank you for your advice and concern as well as wisdom.

    Ange

    3 October, 2007 at 4:18 am #66465
    LadyValkyrie
    Participant

    Ailuromaniac, thank you for your advice and I will look into it. I know he wont do anything though but maybe it will help mom. He wont even admit he has a drinking problem, Right now he is so busy calling his father a stupid drunk who desreves to lose his girlfriend if he wont give up the liquor, but he is blind to the fact he is in the same position, but intead of losing a girlfriend he is losing a wife and a daughter.

    I feel sorry for him, but I know I can’t stay here forever. So tangled I feel, like a moth drawn to the flame even with the knowledge I will get burned doesn’t seem to help.

    Ange

    3 October, 2007 at 4:21 am #66466
    Tigger
    Participant

    you would not be thus.For someone to claim you are thus would be a cop-out on their part. Unless you intentionally bugger things u. Which does not sound likely from the impression I get of you.

    3 October, 2007 at 4:26 am #66467
    Tigger
    Participant

    the straw,I mean.

    3 October, 2007 at 4:29 am #66468
    LadyValkyrie
    Participant

    thanks Tigerpaw.

    And no I would not but sometimes I feel he begrudges me taking a few moments of my moms time and affection off him. So inadvertantly I could still be that straw. I worry to that mom may decide to leave to stay with me. I am her baby, her last chick in the nest. I hate worrying because I have such a load to carry right now with work, but I can’t help it.

    3 October, 2007 at 4:35 am #66469
    Tigger
    Participant

    So inadvertantly I could still be that straw.

    As I said,a cop-out

    Don’t let him or anyone play you that way,Ange.

    Be strong,your Mom needs you to be.

    3 October, 2007 at 4:42 am #66470
    LadyValkyrie
    Participant

    i will be. I have never backdown from anything since I found my backbone. I will be there for mom and make sure I am not the excuse used. Thanks needed that Tigerpaw feeling a bit low there for a moment. ;o) I never stay down too long to tenacious. Or a smart ass or stuborn mule like everyone says. I sometimes forget I need to stand up for myself, I do it for everyone esle but forget myself.

    3 October, 2007 at 4:52 am #66471
    Tigger
    Participant

    Goodnight Ange,my friend,

    Offer up some prayers for all three of you(Dad especially)before bed tonight.

    I will do likewise.God hears all of them and His Word never comes back null or void but fulfills the purposes for which its sent.Love to chat with you tomorrow morning or evening(late eve.PDT).Sleep well.

    3 October, 2007 at 4:55 am #66472
    LadyValkyrie
    Participant

    Thanks Tigerpaw. I will add my prayers to yours. Tomorrow I will be up very early around 6:30 7am in cali. Then off until, 7pm ish tomorrow night.

    I look forward to talking tomorrow. If you want a laug to send you off look at night shift. I wrote bobbi a story there.

    Night. Pleasnat dreams.

    Ange

    3 October, 2007 at 5:10 am #66473
    artistabobbi TX 1/17
    Participant

    Ange,

    Don’t take on their stuff. This is their relationship, and their problem.

    You are allowing yourself to be the the tightrope walker, with a very unsteady pole.

    I agree about AnAnon.

    You need lots of support right now, and if you don’t take care of yourself, you will be unable to help Mom if and when she needs it.

    Hugs and purrs and potitive energy your way.

    Your friend

    Bobbi

    3 October, 2007 at 5:35 am #66474
    Kitten Whisperer in Oregon (8/27)
    Participant

    Hi, Ange. I’m sorry you are feeling so caught up in your mom and step-dad’s issues. They really are their issues though. They have to figure out if they want to go forward as a couple. You are more than ready to leave the nest and figure out who you are as an independent adult. Impending change (your move) will have an impact on your parents. But it may help them clarify who they want to be as a couple or if they want to be a couple at all with you out of their home. They both seem focused on you right now. If your mom knows that you are OK on your own, she might feel free to concentrate on making her own decisions.

    3 October, 2007 at 6:10 am #66475
    Tigger
    Participant

    Well said,KW.May it be so.

    3 October, 2007 at 8:59 am #66476
    AZDEBRA 5/27 & crew
    Participant

    Ange, you have received some very good advice here from tigerpaw, KW, and ailuromaniac. I would also advise going to Al-anon, I know that you love your mother as one should but you are not responsible for their marriage. You will be in my prayers and thoughts for continuing strength in this situation.

    3 October, 2007 at 10:51 am #66477
    anncetera2
    Participant

    Ange, I will echo the recommendations of others, and suggest you contact Al-Anon as soon as possible.

    Your father’s drinking problem and your parents’ marriage problems are not problems for you to take on. You are responsible only for your actions, not for your parents (either one of them).

    I don’t know enough about the specifics of the situation to give good advice. But based on my intuition, and having been in a family where both parents had drinking problems, I’d recommend you run, don’t walk, to get out of this situation. You’re 27 years old, and you’ve had to deal with a fairly dysfunctional family situation for a long, long time (if not your entire life).

    Your mom will have to make her own decision to stay or leave, based on her own reasons. I understand your desire to help, and if your mom decides to leave, if and when the situation comes to that, then you can offer your help. But it’s not appropriate for you to influence her decision, one way or the other.

    Please keep in mind that excessive distance or closeness can be a sign of a dysfunctional relationship. Co-dependency is a very strange and entangling situation, but it can be overcome.

    Good luck!

    3 October, 2007 at 10:59 am #66478
    3 kits staff dorie
    Participant

    Ange,

    Help yourself befor you can help Mom! It sounds like you both need Al-anon.

    My 27 year old daughter and I also went through this 9 years ago, We went to meetings and found some answers inside ourselves. If a meeting doesn’t feel right go to another one in a different place, As I went to several before I found my home place! It is a long road but take it one baby step at a time!!

    Peace

    My daughter/friend

    Dorie

    3 October, 2007 at 11:29 am #66479
    Jo in Blairsville
    Participant

    All the above friends have offered mature, experienced, intelligent, heartfelt advice. I hope you will take a deep breath, slow down long enough to read every word, and think.

    This is the time to lay down your youth, stand tall as a self-sufficient adult, pick up the torch of anticipation and excitement, and step forward into your future….guilt-free.

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